Happiness Is Found Within You.

If there’s one thing that I’ve learned from my past relationship, it’s that you absolutely cannot take the people who are important to you for granted. Within the past few months, I’ve been extremely heartbroken, and I’ve begged my ex to forgive me for everything wrong that I’ve done to him. Things never worked out for us, as most of you who read my blog already know. However, I honestly cannot say for a single second that I am upset about that. There were so many things that happened between the two of us, that I don’t know if we would ever be able to fully love each other and support each other in the proper manor.

I spent so much time thinking that everything bad that happened to us was entirely my fault. I felt guilty for so long, and constantly found myself asking how it was fair. It just didn’t make sense to me that I lost everything that I wanted simply because I suffer from severe anxiety and depression disorders. I kept thinking to myself that he couldn’t love me, no one could. Truly believing that I would be alone for the rest of my life, despite how young I am, because it just didn’t make sense for anyone to ever want to be with me as long as I suffered from my disorders. Then, I realized that it is very foolish to think that everything was my fault, and even more foolish to think that I will be alone for the rest of my life.

Though many of the things that have happened were caused by my dishonesty, and also my anxiety making it impossible for anyone to truly love me, I am not responsible for anyone’s actions except my own. To place full blame on myself is exactly what he wanted, simply because he wanted me to hurt and feel guilty. Then he would question me when I would lose control of everything, have a panic attack, and call him repeatedly. “How are you in love with me if you are all over other guys?” was the constant question that came out of his mouth, and honestly, I wasn’t entirely sure how to answer it. To me, it was because I was so hurt from being rejected by the one person I never thought I would be rejected by, and maybe that is true to a certain extent, but I realized something that is so much more powerful than that.
I’m all over other guys, and I go on dates with other guys not because I’m hurt, but because I realized subliminally that it was a blessing we weren’t together anymore. I go out with other guys because I know deep down in my heart that I deserve better than what he and I once had. Not that he was the most terrible person in the world, because he wasn’t. He truly wanted to treat me well, but the thing about it is, is that he didn’t realize when he was wrong. He was never capable of admitting his wrong doings, and I was never capable of letting them go. The relationship quickly spiraled completely out of control due to many contributing factors. However, if you ask him, he treated me like a queen, and I am completely crazy and unstable.

It’s sad to think that he feels so much hatred towards me, because I will always have love for him in my heart. How could I not? Even though I realize that we will never be together, that doesn’t mean that he won’t always hold a small piece of my heart. I had given it to him, and it’s not something that you can get back. Though I didn’t treat him the way that I should have, it doesn’t mean for a single second that I didn’t love him. Heartbreaks take time to get over, and sometimes, you find yourself laying there wishing that you couldn’t feel anything at all, wishing you could be completely numb to emotion. It took many days of that until I realized that I was literally wishing that I was a sociopath. Why would I want that for myself? That’s when I realized that I had to change my mindset completely, or I would never get over the hurt that I felt. I went from truly wishing I was numb, to realizing that because I can hurt so intensely meant that I am capable to love even more intensely. I took the pain that I was feeling, and turned it into something positive, something beautiful.

Once I did that, I was able to truly let go of him. Ever since the last time we have talked (which was very ugly, and should not have even happened in the first place), I’ve had absolutely no desire whatsoever to speak to him. When I see him out, I don’t even look in his direction. His presence doesn’t utterly cripple me and send me into a spiral of emotion that I can’t handle. It’s like he’s not even there. Ever since the realization, I’ve been able to really and truly focus my attention to a man who has went out of his way on multiple occasions to get to know me. A man that treats me like an absolute lady. When I am with him, I sit and I wonder why in the hell it has taken me this long to admit my true feelings for him, and hide behind the pain from my breakup, when all along, I should have been taking him seriously. All of my friends have been pushing me towards him and constantly telling me how good of a person he is and that they completely 100% approve of him, and that he’s such a step in the right direction, and now I see that for myself.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned from all of this, is that because I’ve hurt so deeply, my heart is pure. My heart is capable of a love that many is not. I’m such a beautiful and passionate person, and that makes me who I am, but it is also my greatest weakness. However, at this point in my life, I refuse to let it hurt me. I’m taking my passion and turning it into something beautiful. Happiness is found within you, not with someone else. Happiness is found when you truly accept the person that you are, and you don’t let anyone’s opinion of you overshadow that.

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Letting Go of Control

I was sitting at my piano the other day trying to think of a song that I could play and sing to take my mind off of some things that were happening. Most of the time, my go-to artist for situations like this is Paramore, simply because their music is simple, yet powerful. I chose to sit down with the chords to a song off of their latest self-titled album called “Last Hope”.

When I first started to sing the song, I realized instantly that my heart was filling up with emotion. I had heard this song multiple times since the album has been released, and honestly, it’s one of my favorite tracks on the whole album, but it didn’t dawn on me how accurate the lyrics were to my life until the moment that they came out of my mouth.

I don’t even know myself at all
I thought I would be happy by now
But the more I try to push it
I realize – Gotta let go of control

Gotta let it happen
So let it happen

This is the first verse in the song, and after singing it, my heart immediately filled up with sadness and self revelation. After being engaged for the previous 1 1/2 years, I really didn’t think for a single second that I could be where I am right now. I never thought that we would be apart. Honestly, I thought that we would be married by now. But we aren’t.
Within the past month or so, I’ve been doing everything that I could to “win him back”, because I truly believed that it was our destiny that we end up together. However, because of my heartbreak, because of my constant rejection from the one person who I love the most, I have also made some decisions that I shouldn’t have made by seeking out the attention of other men. This reaction is completely normal for a lot people, though, so I’m not going to sit here and beat myself up over the mistakes that I’ve made, because there is no point in that. What I need to realize, though, is that the attention of another man isn’t going to take away the pain I feel because of the absence of another man. I’ve been doing a lot better with this realization as of recently, and I’m trying really hard to do what I need to do to.
Another realization that I had, is simply that “letting go” is what absolutely has to happen in this situation. Not just with me, either, but with my ex-fiance. At this point in time, there is no reason for us to speak to each other. He feels so much resentment and hatred towards me because of all of the problems that I have caused in his life, and rightly so. The more we continue to communicate, and the more that I try to push him to forgive me and take me back so we can fix all of our problems, the worse both of us feel. So, what’s the point in even talking to each other at this point in time? We obviously both still care so much that we don’t want to fully let go, and we are both completely in denial that that is, in fact, exactly what needs to happen.

It’s just a spark,
But it’s enough to keep me going.
And when it’s dark out, no one’s around
It keeps glowing

These powerful words are the chorus to the song “Last Hope”. Words cannot even begin to describe how much I can relate to this. Every single day, I find something new to hold onto. Sometimes it’s something very, very small. Sometimes it’s just a simple “I know I will make it through this.” Other times the spark is a little bigger than that. Either way, I find something positive to hold onto every day that helps me remember that I will not feel this hurt, rejection, and shame for the rest of my life.

Every night I try my best to dream tomorrow makes it better
But then I wake up to the cold reality
That not a thing has changed

But it will happen – Gotta let it happen

After I come home from work or a night out with my friends and settle into my house with my dogs by my side, the sadness starts to creep in. It almost never fails. Sometimes it’s a lot worse than others, but it’s always there nonetheless. So what else do you do when you’re emotionally and physically exhausted? You sit and you think to yourself “I’m just going to go to bed. I will feel better when I wake up.” That statement is bullshit. Sorry for the language, but it’s true. Going to bed and waking up the next morning never fixes anything, simply because even though it feels like you’re erasing your problems, you’re really not. When I wake up in the morning, my heart instantly starts racing again. The pressure reapplies itself to my chest before my feet even hit the ground. The thoughts of my love start pouring in, and it’s like I am starting the healing process all over again. You would think that it would lessen with time, and I’m sure that with enough time, it will. However, after a month and a half, I haven’t seen a difference in it at all. I still wake up feeling like I’m going to die. I still feel like nothing will ever go right for me, because it’s not what I deserve. That’s what I’m being told over and over again by the person that I love the most. I’m being told on almost a daily basis that I am a terrible person, that I should lose sleep over everything I have done (which I do), and that I deserve to be miserable for the rest of my life. When someone that you admire so deeply tells you these things, it’s hard to not believe them. It’s hard to be like “No, you’re wrong. I am a human being and I deserve to be happy whether it be with you or someone else.” So then that reality sets in and I start to dwell on how he’s right. He’s 100% right and I will never be happy. But no, it will happen. The sleepless nights will subside, along with the heartache and panic attacks that strike me out before my feet touch the ground in the morning. It will happen, I just have to let it.

And the salt in my wounds isn’t burning anymore than it used to
It’s not that I don’t feel the pain, it’s just I’m not afraid of hurting anymore
And the blood in these veins isn’t pumping any less than it ever has
And that’s the hope I have, the only thing I know that’s keeping me alive.

I will never forget the first time that I listened to this song. My friend McKenzie and I were driving around listening to it, and both of us immediately shed a few tears at these lyrics. Whenever Hayley Williams sings them, you can tell that she is pouring her entire heart out into them. As you all know just from previous posts, I admire when I can really and truly feel the artist’s heart through their music. However, these lyrics now hit pretty close to home, along with the rest of the song.
Throughout my ex and I’s entire relationship, we were both hurting. We were toxic. We loved each other so damn much, but it was almost like I didn’t know how to love him. I didn’t know how to make him feel like he was wanted, and that’s the most important thing that you can do for someone in a relationship. All I needed to do was make him feel loved, and I failed miserably.
Everything in my life is the exact same that it was before. I’m not deathly ill, even though some days, it definitely feels that way. My blood is still pumping through my body, and I am still living my life. Knowing that, I realize that there is no reason why I won’t make it through this. It’s sad to think that I have actually sat down and genuinely wanted to die because of this situation. I’ve sat down and thought to myself that I wouldn’t be okay, and that nothing or no one could ever even begin to compare to the love that I had for my ex. If I couldn’t have him, I didn’t want to live anymore, because life without him wasn’t a life. It was torture. Yeah, all of those things are true in this moment in time. Definitely. However, I’ve decided to put on my big girl pants and try to let go of control. I realize that things will get better. I realize that he needs time to himself to become happier and independent. I realize that he needs a lot of time in order to move past his hatred that he has for me, that he needs time to forgive me. I also realize that once that forgiveness happens, that doesn’t necessarily mean that he and I will end up getting married and living happily ever after. Things for my ex and I really could be over for the rest of our lives, and I’m slowly learning to be okay with that reality.
I’ve told him time and time again that I’m in love with him and that I will do whatever I have to in order to prove to him that he is the love of my life, and that I will win him back. He’s told me over and over again that I need to do that for myself, and who knows? Maybe one day it will happen. However, once he sees me start to move on, once he sees me with a smile on my face, it’s almost like he freaks out. He tries to tell me that because I’ve told him how much I love him and how I will prove it to him, if I start to move on in any way, that means that “he isn’t worth the wait” and “everything you said to me was bullshit. Again.” I just wish that he would understand that that is not necessarily true. I wish that he would realize that in order for me to be okay, I have to let go of the “we will be okay and end up together” mindset in order to move on with my life. If I don’t, I will spend the rest of my life waiting, hoping, and wishing while he continues on with his life and his new girlfriend. It isn’t fair to expect me to sit around and have that mindset. It isn’t fair to expect me to wait.

The fact that I’m saying any of this is huge progress. Having the realization that the best thing that I can do for not only myself, but also my ex, is to let go and live our lives separately is the biggest step that I have taken through this whole process. Having that realization doesn’t mean that I love him any less or I don’t want things to work out, it just means that I’m doing what I have to do in order to let go and let my life play out the way that it’s supposed to instead of trying to force it to play out the way that I thought it was supposed to. My destiny isn’t for me to decide. That’s the beauty of it, and fighting it does absolutely nothing at all except make your life worse. I know that I will be okay. There’s a spark inside of me that will not burn out, and I am adding wood to it every day and hoping that it ignites sometime soon. I have hope that it will. The mistakes of my past do not dictate me as a person or what I deserve in life. My life has a beautiful future, and all I need to do is hold onto that truth with every ounce of strength in my body.

Heartache is no Joke.

I’ve realized recently that it isn’t socially acceptable to be heartbroken. People seem to forget about the pain of heartbreak until they are in position themselves. They look down onto you, expecting you to be okay within that very second. They just don’t understand that sometimes “You have to get over it” is just not a logical thing to say. “Getting over it” makes no sense in that moment. “Getting over it” seems damn near impossible. Yet, when you explain that, 9 times out of 10, all you receive is either silence or the classic: “I don’t know what to tell you. All things get better with time.”

What people seem to forget is that heartbreak is a physical pain much like hunger. When you go too long without eating, your stomach starts to have this constant growl and ache. Sometimes it’s easy to ignore, yet at other times you absolutely have to put food into your body otherwise it feels like your stomach is starting to digest itself. Unfortunately, with heartbreak, you can’t just sit down and eat a gallon of ice cream and magically feel better like people expect you to.
I’m not sitting here saying that I wish people could understand what I’m going through, and I’m also not saying that a single person has ever felt this way before. We’ve all had our hearts broken. Some of us with breakups, some with death, and some with a different kind of loss. However, once time passes and the aching slowly goes away, it’s almost like we forget what it feels like to be in mourning. Is it weird of me to say that I never want to forget this feeling?

I’m sure that most people are going to find that very confusing. Why on earth would I want to remember this pain? Honestly, there are a few reasons. The first one is simply because as human beings, we are here to embrace the life that has been given to us. We are here to live, breathe, thrive and feel everything. That might sound pretty “hippie” of me, but this new way of thinking has helped me move on with the recovery process of every ounce of pain I feel.

The second reason is a little more personal, and I will try to not bore you with the gory details. The reason why I lost my previous love is because the timing of our relationship could not have been worse. Between my severe anxiety and depression disorders, there were also issues lying deep in my being that I would have never confronted if I hadn’t been to therapy recently. Because of these things, to say that I treated my fiance badly is an understatement. I treated him terribly. When I look back, I can’t help but think “Damn. He held on so much longer than I ever would have.” Constantly fighting, constantly making him question his self worth, constantly leaving him, and more things that I personally don’t want to have plastered all over the internet, but obviously he should have left me long before he did. All the time that I’m treating him this way, I had no idea that I was as unstable as I truly was. I really had no idea just how far down the hole I had fallen. The pain of this heartbreak will always serve as a reminder to never lose myself again. The guilt that I feel for pulling him into my life when I was so clearly unstable is crippling. If I could go back in time to the day that I met him, I would turn the other cheek and never have talked to him, simply because how I treated him was so badly. But, while talking to one of my friends about feeling this way, they said something to me that really helped me get through a pretty bad time. “Being unstable doesn’t make you ‘the bad guy’, it makes you young.”

I constantly find myself trying to figure out my entire life instead of just letting it pan out the way it’s supposed to. I’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, and I’m also the type of person who needs an answer for everything. Why did it happen this way? Why did they ever walk into my life? Why did I fall in love with him the second that I met him if it wasn’t meant to be? Life is unfair. Because I fell in love with my ex-fiance the second that I laid eyes on him in high school, I was absolutely sure that we were going to be together for the rest of our lives. That’s the only outcome that made sense. I’ve started to realize that sitting here and questioning why it happened and why it failed, I should just be glad that because of this relationship, I realized that I needed to reach out to someone for help. I shouldn’t sit here and be distraught over something that I cannot change, but be thankful for the good times that we had together. Life is funny sometimes, and things always have a way of playing out better than you could ever imagine them to. Holding onto the light, and surrounding yourself with those who fill your heart with love are the only things that you can do to get through the hard times.

Better to Love & Lost than Never Love at all.

Recently my life has taken a tragic turn. As I have written about previously, I was engaged for about two years to a man that I very much adored. I wrote about my day-to-day struggle of my emotions flip-flopping more than the average persons. One day I would be head over heals in love with this man, and the next, I would be leaving him because I wasn’t happy. About a month ago was our last and final breakup.

During this breakup, I decided that it was time for me to reach out for help. Michael had told me time and time again that I needed to go to the doctor because he felt like I had bipolar disorder. During my negative episodes, though, I didn’t want to believe him. I honestly thought that he was just trying to make me feel absolutely crazy. I thought that Michael was the bad person in the relationship and that he couldn’t take the responsibility that needed to be taken in order to fix things between us, and that he was just trying to pawn it off onto me. This was the only explanation. I had lived my entire life up until that point with no problem, right? So why in the hell would bipolar disorder be showing up now?

After my appointment with my psychiatrist I learned that I actually did not have bipolar disorder. She explained to me that when someone is bipolar, their episodes don’t just effect the people that they care the most about, but even random strangers. Because my episodes where strictly to Michael and my mother, she explained to me that I have a major anxiety disorder. Basically, because I feel like those people were going to be there for me for the rest of my life, I felt like it was okay to make them feel not important and not really even realize when I was doing it.

Realizing that I’ve lived my life with this problem going untreated has really been difficult for me. It’s raised so many questions. What would have happened if I would have reached out for help before now? Would Michael and I still be together? But then I take a step back and realize something more… I do love Michael. More than words can describe. Seeing him move on with his life, finding another girlfriend not even two months after our breakup, it’s been difficult. Letting go has been nearly impossible for me, however, I have to realize that for the past two years, I’ve made him unhappy. Now, that he’s moved on, he’s found true happiness. No, it’s not with me, and yes that hurts tremendously, but all I can do is smile knowing that he’s happy.

Sometimes life throws curve balls at you. It’s unfair, and they hurt. But laying down and letting them get the best of you while you mope around in your own self pity does absolutely nothing except make the situation worse. All I can do at this point in time is move forward with my therapy and medications that the doctor has given me, and pray that God gives me the strength to move forward. I’ve already came so far in my thinking, so there’s nowhere else to go but up from here.

Music is Art, and should not be Prideful.

After this past year’s Grammy award show, I have had such a bad taste in my mouth about today’s hit music and top artists. I did not realize how difficult it is for most people to recognize and appreciate true talent. As I am sure most of you heard, Kanye West decided to pull another stunt where he took it upon himself to walk on the stage in order to express how he felt about an artist winning a big award. This time, instead of Taylor Swift, West “pretended” to interrupt Beck’s acceptance speech for album of the year, stating that Beyonce was more deserving of the award.

I remember when Beyonce released her most recent album, because she kept it a secret from everyone (including many people that work for her label), and did not tell a soul until the album was released on iTunes. This was the first time that that has ever been attempted in music history, and the album sold millions of copies. She also restricted single track sales for a week or two so people were forced to buy the album in it’s entirety, claiming that people needed to listen from start to finish so that they could fully understand the story of the album.
Looking back, I can fully appreciate what Beyonce did and how risky it was not advertising the fact that she was releasing an album, because marketing is extremely important in today’s industry.

Now let’s take a look at Beck. A man who plays 17 musical instruments, and who has written every song he has put out himself. Beck has been around for over a decade now, and he’s clearly not slowing down. Beck has toured the world with many headlining tours, and once even toured with Johnny Cash. Beck wrote, produced, arranged, and recorded his entire album all inside his own home.

The Grammy’s are the biggest night of music every year. The Grammy’s are filled with class and high end people who gather together to celebrate one of the greatest gifts that we have in human life. Music brings people together in ways that we cannot even begin to imagine. Looking back into history we see that slaves used to use songs to communicate with each other. Music holds a special place in all of our hearts, and it’s something that deserves to be celebrated. When someone as talented as Beck comes along, he deserves to be appreciated for he is a true artist. Beyonce, on the other hand, has many other people write her songs for her, she doesn’t produce her albums herself, etc. Now I’m not saying that Beyonce isn’t talented by any means. If anyone loves Queen B, it would be this girl, but I also know when to recognize someone as a true artist when they deserve to be recognized.

It makes me so sad to see today’s society ripping true musicians apart, and giving glory to those like Kanye West, who literally view themselves as Gods. Someone who so clearly thinks he and his friends (Jay-Z, Beyonce, etc.) should be held higher than the others around them because they are so popular, but popularity does not define true artistry. We see that when we look at some of the people in Hollywood today like Nicole Richie, Paris Hilton, the Kardasian sisters, etc.

This is just something that has truly been weighing on my heart, and I needed to express it.

Searching for the Answer.

Finding meaning in life is truly difficult. Especially when you have absolutely no idea where to begin. That’s the problem that I am currently facing. There are many life decisions that are just too difficult to make. Deciding whether or not to go to college, and then if you decide to do it then comes the decision as to what classes you are going to take. If you decide not to go to college, you have to find a job that you don’t utterly despise. Finding meaning in your life once you decide not to go to college however, is definitely where I am stuck.

I went to school for a while in Kansas City when I first graduated. I loved it for a while, and then I realized that I needed a change as I began to fall into a pretty deep depression. My homesickness started to grow pretty big, and I finally decided that I couldn’t handle to be 13.5 hours away from my friends and family. I packed up all my stuff into the car, came home, quickly found a job that I hated and started to look for another one. Finally, I found a job at a local coffee house that I loved. I worked there for a little over a year before being terminated for insanely unfair reasons. I have never felt so wronged in my life. My breaks went to the floor one day on my way to work, and I couldn’t make it. I called to let them know, and before I even hung up the phone they told me that I would no longer be on the schedule.
Losing that job was a slap in the face. It truly was. I couldn’t even begin to look for something new, because I was so depressed about losing the one job that I liked and made some pretty good money. It was hard to believe that working at a family owned restaurant I made $9.50 an hour plus tips. I enjoyed working there, minus the little petty drama, but I feel like you find that in every work place.

After I picked myself up again, I found a job at a detox and crisis center as a behavioral health technician. I’m currently still working here, and make $9.93 an hour, but that is still less than I made at the coffee shop once you factor in tips. This winter has hit me hard financially, and the job itself is beginning to take it’s toll on me. The position I have is a night shift, and honestly, I didn’t think that it would be this difficult. The main problem is simply that I find it hard to have any social interaction at all. When I am awake, everyone else is a sleep and vice versa. It’s began to take it’s toll on my relationship. Michael and I find it difficult to even spend time together. Occasionally I will go and wake him up in the morning, but then I have to get home shortly after that to go take care of my dogs after they have been home alone for over 13 hours. All I do on my days off is sleep, and I have the worst eating schedule on the planet.

Needless to say, this new job isn’t particularly the best thing for me. I don’t know how to juggle a life and work. Work basically defines me, and I absolutely hate that. I’m too young to be in a situation like this, but there really isn’t anything that I can do about it. So for now, I tough it out and work through the desire to quit, collect my paycheck, pay my bills, and barely have enough money left to have the little bit of a social life that I do have.

Basically, I truly believe that it’s time for a change, but I have no idea what that change looks like. I was hoping to be planning a wedding by now, but Michael and I aren’t really ready for all that yet. We are supposed to be building our house, too, but some things have gotten in the way of that as well. It’s coming, just very slowly. Then I think that maybe I should take some online classes. I could bring my computer to work with me and do my homework and such in my downtime there. But that raises the question on what I want to do. I’ve really put some thought into interior design. Once I would be married that would be the perfect job for me. I could work out of the house, so when I had kids I could be there for them all the time, which is really what I want in the long run anyway. However, the town we live in is so small, I really don’t know if my own interior design business would even be remotely successful.

All of these things are slowly piling up at my door, and I just don’t know if I have the strength to carry them in anymore. I’m growing weaker by the day, and that’s not what is supposed to happen. You’re supposed to grow as a person the older you get, not the opposite. But can you imagine when all of these things finally get sorted out? I’ll be unstoppable. I just pray that it will happen sooner rather than later, because this really isn’t much of a life. This is a stress-filled burden that is literally turning my hair grey at the age of 21. I guess it’s time to put on my big girl pants and push through until I see the light at the end of the tunnel. The only problem is that I’ve been walking for miles and I still don’t see it.