I’m going to take a minute to be insanely hard on myself and try to explain to the world how messed up I really am. Maybe then someone could shed a little light on what is wrong with me. I know that sounds terrible, but I am at a complete loss here. So please, feel free to try to help me come to a conclusion, because this is the most stressful situation I’ve ever had to deal with.
I understand that relationships are hard. Having a relationship without compromise and maturity is damn near impossible, and maybe that’s what I’m lacking. Or maybe it’s something else.
Ever since I have started my relationship with my fiance I have become an emotionally unstable idiot. One day I’m totally in love with him and want to pursue our relationship and get married and start a family; the next I am literally questioning if I want to be in a relationship with him at all. This basically started shortly after we were engaged. I would start to twist the way I viewed him in my head. I would suddenly think that he was the worst person in the world. I would get it in my head that he was totally wrong for me, just from a simple fight. Because of the way I would just change it began to affect the way that I treated him, ultimately worsening our arguments, making them 10x more intense than they were, which would eventually lead to me freaking out even more and leaving him.
After this would happen, two weeks to a month later I would realize what was going on, almost like I had been absent from my body, and call him apologizing for everything that I had said and done to him within the past few weeks.
This has happened to us twice now in the matter of a year, and for some reason, I’m starting to see the process start over again.
I do realize how stupid this entire blog post must sound, but I really don’t understand what is happening to me. I’m also scared that this “cycle” is a way of my conscience telling me that our relationship isn’t right and isn’t supposed to work out, but that just doesn’t seem to make sense. I love my fiance. I always have, and I know that I always will whether we work out or we don’t. All I want is to make him happy. I want to be the person that I promised him I would be. I want to be by his side through everything he may experience in life. I want to be the person he comes home to every night after work. I want to continue to build our relationship into this unbreakable bond that we should already have, but for some reason I just keep putting a stop to it. I want to walk down the isle and see him standing at the end waiting for me. I want to be the mother of his children. So someone please effin’ explain to me why all off a sudden some days I just wake up and say “Nope. Nvm. Sorry ’bout your luck, babe. I’m just not feeling this anymore.” It’s absolutely insane.
I just don’t want to put him through this anymore, nor does he want to deal with it anymore, and I must say that I cannot blame him for that. Who in their right mind would want to put up with the person that they love constantly changing their mind about their future with them? But once again it brings up the question… why am I doing this? If I truly loved him why would I continue to hurt him over and over again? Part of me wants to let him go just because I fear so deeply that I won’t get over whatever this is anytime soon, but then I realize if I would do that, I would never get another shot. Whether I was truly ready then or not. This is it. This is the last go round. My last shot, and I am just a few short steps away from completely ruining it for good.
I’m just beginning to believe that my fear of commitment and my fear of never being truly happy is taking over my mind. I apologize if I am boring anyone with this nonsense, but I am at a stand still in my life, and would love any advice that anyone would have to give me.