Happiness Is Found Within You.

If there’s one thing that I’ve learned from my past relationship, it’s that you absolutely cannot take the people who are important to you for granted. Within the past few months, I’ve been extremely heartbroken, and I’ve begged my ex to forgive me for everything wrong that I’ve done to him. Things never worked out for us, as most of you who read my blog already know. However, I honestly cannot say for a single second that I am upset about that. There were so many things that happened between the two of us, that I don’t know if we would ever be able to fully love each other and support each other in the proper manor.

I spent so much time thinking that everything bad that happened to us was entirely my fault. I felt guilty for so long, and constantly found myself asking how it was fair. It just didn’t make sense to me that I lost everything that I wanted simply because I suffer from severe anxiety and depression disorders. I kept thinking to myself that he couldn’t love me, no one could. Truly believing that I would be alone for the rest of my life, despite how young I am, because it just didn’t make sense for anyone to ever want to be with me as long as I suffered from my disorders. Then, I realized that it is very foolish to think that everything was my fault, and even more foolish to think that I will be alone for the rest of my life.

Though many of the things that have happened were caused by my dishonesty, and also my anxiety making it impossible for anyone to truly love me, I am not responsible for anyone’s actions except my own. To place full blame on myself is exactly what he wanted, simply because he wanted me to hurt and feel guilty. Then he would question me when I would lose control of everything, have a panic attack, and call him repeatedly. “How are you in love with me if you are all over other guys?” was the constant question that came out of his mouth, and honestly, I wasn’t entirely sure how to answer it. To me, it was because I was so hurt from being rejected by the one person I never thought I would be rejected by, and maybe that is true to a certain extent, but I realized something that is so much more powerful than that.
I’m all over other guys, and I go on dates with other guys not because I’m hurt, but because I realized subliminally that it was a blessing we weren’t together anymore. I go out with other guys because I know deep down in my heart that I deserve better than what he and I once had. Not that he was the most terrible person in the world, because he wasn’t. He truly wanted to treat me well, but the thing about it is, is that he didn’t realize when he was wrong. He was never capable of admitting his wrong doings, and I was never capable of letting them go. The relationship quickly spiraled completely out of control due to many contributing factors.¬†However, if you ask him, he treated me like a queen, and I am completely crazy and unstable.

It’s sad to think that he feels so much hatred towards me, because I will always have love for him in my heart. How could I not? Even though I realize that we will never be together, that doesn’t mean that he won’t always hold a small piece of my heart. I had given it to him, and it’s not something that you can get back. Though I didn’t treat him the way that I should have, it doesn’t mean for a single second that I didn’t love him. Heartbreaks take time to get over, and sometimes, you find yourself laying there wishing that you couldn’t feel anything at all, wishing you could be completely numb to emotion. It took many days of that until I realized that I was literally wishing that I was a sociopath. Why would I want that for myself? That’s when I realized that I had to change my mindset completely, or I would never get over the hurt that I felt. I went from truly wishing I was numb, to realizing that because I can hurt so intensely meant that I am capable to love even more intensely. I took the pain that I was feeling, and turned it into something positive, something beautiful.

Once I did that, I was able to truly let go of him. Ever since the last time we have talked (which was very ugly, and should not have even happened in the first place), I’ve had absolutely no desire whatsoever to speak to him. When I see him out, I don’t even look in his direction. His presence doesn’t utterly cripple me and send me into a spiral of emotion that I can’t handle. It’s like he’s not even there. Ever since the realization, I’ve been able to really and truly focus my attention to a man who has went out of his way on multiple occasions to get to know me. A man that treats me like an absolute lady. When I am with him, I sit and I wonder why in the hell it has taken me this long to admit my true feelings for him, and hide behind the pain from my breakup, when all along, I should have been taking him seriously. All of my friends have been pushing me towards him and constantly telling me how good of a person he is and that they completely 100% approve of him, and that he’s such a step in the right direction, and now I see that for myself.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned from all of this, is that because I’ve hurt so deeply, my heart is pure. My heart is capable of a love that many is not. I’m such a beautiful and passionate person, and that makes me who I am, but it is also my greatest weakness. However, at this point in my life, I refuse to let it hurt me. I’m taking my passion and turning it into something beautiful. Happiness is found within you, not with someone else. Happiness is found when you truly accept the person that you are, and you don’t let anyone’s opinion of you overshadow that.

Heartache is no Joke.

I’ve realized recently that it isn’t socially acceptable to be heartbroken. People seem to forget about the pain of heartbreak until they are in position themselves. They look down onto you, expecting you to be okay within that very second. They just don’t understand that sometimes “You have to get over it” is just not a logical thing to say. “Getting over it” makes no sense in that moment. “Getting over it” seems damn near impossible. Yet, when you explain that, 9 times out of 10, all you receive is either silence or the classic: “I don’t know what to tell you. All things get better with time.”

What people seem to forget is that heartbreak is a physical pain much like hunger. When you go too long without eating, your stomach starts to have this constant growl and ache. Sometimes it’s easy to ignore, yet at other times you absolutely have to put food into your body otherwise it feels like your stomach is starting to digest itself. Unfortunately, with heartbreak, you can’t just sit down and eat a gallon of ice cream and magically feel better like people expect you to.
I’m not sitting here saying that I wish people could understand what I’m going through, and I’m also not saying that a single person has ever felt this way before. We’ve all had our hearts broken. Some of us with breakups, some with death, and some with a different kind of loss. However, once time passes and the aching slowly goes away, it’s almost like we forget what it feels like to be in mourning. Is it weird of me to say that I never want to forget this feeling?

I’m sure that most people are going to find that very confusing. Why on earth would I want to remember this pain? Honestly, there are a few reasons. The first one is simply because as human beings, we are here to embrace the life that has been given to us. We are here to live, breathe, thrive and feel everything. That might sound pretty “hippie” of me, but this new way of thinking has helped me move on with the recovery process of every ounce of pain I feel.

The second reason is a little more personal, and I will try to not bore you with the gory details. The reason why I lost my previous love is because the timing of our relationship could not have been worse. Between my severe anxiety and depression disorders, there were also issues lying deep in my being that I would have never confronted if I hadn’t been to therapy recently. Because of these things, to say that I treated my fiance badly is an understatement. I treated him terribly. When I look back, I can’t help but think “Damn. He held on so much longer than I ever would have.” Constantly fighting, constantly making him question his self worth, constantly leaving him, and more things that I personally don’t want to have plastered all over the internet, but obviously he should have left me long before he did. All the time that I’m treating him this way, I had no idea that I was as unstable as I truly was. I really had no idea just how far down the hole I had fallen. The pain of this heartbreak will always serve as a reminder to never lose myself again. The guilt that I feel for pulling him into my life when I was so clearly unstable is crippling. If I could go back in time to the day that I met him, I would turn the other cheek and never have talked to him, simply because how I treated him was so badly. But, while talking to one of my friends about feeling this way, they said something to me that really helped me get through a pretty bad time. “Being unstable doesn’t make you ‘the bad guy’, it makes you young.”

I constantly find myself trying to figure out my entire life instead of just letting it pan out the way it’s supposed to. I’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, and I’m also the type of person who needs an answer for everything. Why did it happen this way? Why did they ever walk into my life? Why did I fall in love with him the second that I met him if it wasn’t meant to be? Life is unfair. Because I fell in love with my ex-fiance the second that I laid eyes on him in high school, I was absolutely sure that we were going to be together for the rest of our lives. That’s the only outcome that made sense. I’ve started to realize that sitting here and questioning why it happened and why it failed, I should just be glad that because of this relationship, I realized that I needed to reach out to someone for help. I shouldn’t sit here and be distraught over something that I cannot change, but be thankful for the good times that we had together. Life is funny sometimes, and things always have a way of playing out better than you could ever imagine them to. Holding onto the light, and surrounding yourself with those who fill your heart with love are the only things that you can do to get through the hard times.