Letting Go of Control

I was sitting at my piano the other day trying to think of a song that I could play and sing to take my mind off of some things that were happening. Most of the time, my go-to artist for situations like this is Paramore, simply because their music is simple, yet powerful. I chose to sit down with the chords to a song off of their latest self-titled album called “Last Hope”.

When I first started to sing the song, I realized instantly that my heart was filling up with emotion. I had heard this song multiple times since the album has been released, and honestly, it’s one of my favorite tracks on the whole album, but it didn’t dawn on me how accurate the lyrics were to my life until the moment that they came out of my mouth.

I don’t even know myself at all
I thought I would be happy by now
But the more I try to push it
I realize – Gotta let go of control

Gotta let it happen
So let it happen

This is the first verse in the song, and after singing it, my heart immediately filled up with sadness and self revelation. After being engaged for the previous 1 1/2 years, I really didn’t think for a single second that I could be where I am right now. I never thought that we would be apart. Honestly, I thought that we would be married by now. But we aren’t.
Within the past month or so, I’ve been doing everything that I could to “win him back”, because I truly believed that it was our destiny that we end up together. However, because of my heartbreak, because of my constant rejection from the one person who I love the most, I have also made some decisions that I shouldn’t have made by seeking out the attention of other men. This reaction is completely normal for a lot people, though, so I’m not going to sit here and beat myself up over the mistakes that I’ve made, because there is no point in that. What I need to realize, though, is that the attention of another man isn’t going to take away the pain I feel because of the absence of another man. I’ve been doing a lot better with this realization as of recently, and I’m trying really hard to do what I need to do to.
Another realization that I had, is simply that “letting go” is what absolutely has to happen in this situation. Not just with me, either, but with my ex-fiance. At this point in time, there is no reason for us to speak to each other. He feels so much resentment and hatred towards me because of all of the problems that I have caused in his life, and rightly so. The more we continue to communicate, and the more that I try to push him to forgive me and take me back so we can fix all of our problems, the worse both of us feel. So, what’s the point in even talking to each other at this point in time? We obviously both still care so much that we don’t want to fully let go, and we are both completely in denial that that is, in fact, exactly what needs to happen.

It’s just a spark,
But it’s enough to keep me going.
And when it’s dark out, no one’s around
It keeps glowing

These powerful words are the chorus to the song “Last Hope”. Words cannot even begin to describe how much I can relate to this. Every single day, I find something new to hold onto. Sometimes it’s something very, very small. Sometimes it’s just a simple “I know I will make it through this.” Other times the spark is a little bigger than that. Either way, I find something positive to hold onto every day that helps me remember that I will not feel this hurt, rejection, and shame for the rest of my life.

Every night I try my best to dream tomorrow makes it better
But then I wake up to the cold reality
That not a thing has changed

But it will happen – Gotta let it happen

After I come home from work or a night out with my friends and settle into my house with my dogs by my side, the sadness starts to creep in. It almost never fails. Sometimes it’s a lot worse than others, but it’s always there nonetheless. So what else do you do when you’re emotionally and physically exhausted? You sit and you think to yourself “I’m just going to go to bed. I will feel better when I wake up.” That statement is bullshit. Sorry for the language, but it’s true. Going to bed and waking up the next morning never fixes anything, simply because even though it feels like you’re erasing your problems, you’re really not. When I wake up in the morning, my heart instantly starts racing again. The pressure reapplies itself to my chest before my feet even hit the ground. The thoughts of my love start pouring in, and it’s like I am starting the healing process all over again. You would think that it would lessen with time, and I’m sure that with enough time, it will. However, after a month and a half, I haven’t seen a difference in it at all. I still wake up feeling like I’m going to die. I still feel like nothing will ever go right for me, because it’s not what I deserve. That’s what I’m being told over and over again by the person that I love the most. I’m being told on almost a daily basis that I am a terrible person, that I should lose sleep over everything I have done (which I do), and that I deserve to be miserable for the rest of my life. When someone that you admire so deeply tells you these things, it’s hard to not believe them. It’s hard to be like “No, you’re wrong. I am a human being and I deserve to be happy whether it be with you or someone else.” So then that reality sets in and I start to dwell on how he’s right. He’s 100% right and I will never be happy. But no, it will happen. The sleepless nights will subside, along with the heartache and panic attacks that strike me out before my feet touch the ground in the morning. It will happen, I just have to let it.

And the salt in my wounds isn’t burning anymore than it used to
It’s not that I don’t feel the pain, it’s just I’m not afraid of hurting anymore
And the blood in these veins isn’t pumping any less than it ever has
And that’s the hope I have, the only thing I know that’s keeping me alive.

I will never forget the first time that I listened to this song. My friend McKenzie and I were driving around listening to it, and both of us immediately shed a few tears at these lyrics. Whenever Hayley Williams sings them, you can tell that she is pouring her entire heart out into them. As you all know just from previous posts, I admire when I can really and truly feel the artist’s heart through their music. However, these lyrics now hit pretty close to home, along with the rest of the song.
Throughout my ex and I’s entire relationship, we were both hurting. We were toxic. We loved each other so damn much, but it was almost like I didn’t know how to love him. I didn’t know how to make him feel like he was wanted, and that’s the most important thing that you can do for someone in a relationship. All I needed to do was make him feel loved, and I failed miserably.
Everything in my life is the exact same that it was before. I’m not deathly ill, even though some days, it definitely feels that way. My blood is still pumping through my body, and I am still living my life. Knowing that, I realize that there is no reason why I won’t make it through this. It’s sad to think that I have actually sat down and genuinely wanted to die because of this situation. I’ve sat down and thought to myself that I wouldn’t be okay, and that nothing or no one could ever even begin to compare to the love that I had for my ex. If I couldn’t have him, I didn’t want to live anymore, because life without him wasn’t a life. It was torture. Yeah, all of those things are true in this moment in time. Definitely. However, I’ve decided to put on my big girl pants and try to let go of control. I realize that things will get better. I realize that he needs time to himself to become happier and independent. I realize that he needs a lot of time in order to move past his hatred that he has for me, that he needs time to forgive me. I also realize that once that forgiveness happens, that doesn’t necessarily mean that he and I will end up getting married and living happily ever after. Things for my ex and I really could be over for the rest of our lives, and I’m slowly learning to be okay with that reality.
I’ve told him time and time again that I’m in love with him and that I will do whatever I have to in order to prove to him that he is the love of my life, and that I will win him back. He’s told me over and over again that I need to do that for myself, and who knows? Maybe one day it will happen. However, once he sees me start to move on, once he sees me with a smile on my face, it’s almost like he freaks out. He tries to tell me that because I’ve told him how much I love him and how I will prove it to him, if I start to move on in any way, that means that “he isn’t worth the wait” and “everything you said to me was bullshit. Again.” I just wish that he would understand that that is not necessarily true. I wish that he would realize that in order for me to be okay, I have to let go of the “we will be okay and end up together” mindset in order to move on with my life. If I don’t, I will spend the rest of my life waiting, hoping, and wishing while he continues on with his life and his new girlfriend. It isn’t fair to expect me to sit around and have that mindset. It isn’t fair to expect me to wait.

The fact that I’m saying any of this is huge progress. Having the realization that the best thing that I can do for not only myself, but also my ex, is to let go and live our lives separately is the biggest step that I have taken through this whole process. Having that realization doesn’t mean that I love him any less or I don’t want things to work out, it just means that I’m doing what I have to do in order to let go and let my life play out the way that it’s supposed to instead of trying to force it to play out the way that I thought it was supposed to. My destiny isn’t for me to decide. That’s the beauty of it, and fighting it does absolutely nothing at all except make your life worse. I know that I will be okay. There’s a spark inside of me that will not burn out, and I am adding wood to it every day and hoping that it ignites sometime soon. I have hope that it will. The mistakes of my past do not dictate me as a person or what I deserve in life. My life has a beautiful future, and all I need to do is hold onto that truth with every ounce of strength in my body.

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Heartache is no Joke.

I’ve realized recently that it isn’t socially acceptable to be heartbroken. People seem to forget about the pain of heartbreak until they are in position themselves. They look down onto you, expecting you to be okay within that very second. They just don’t understand that sometimes “You have to get over it” is just not a logical thing to say. “Getting over it” makes no sense in that moment. “Getting over it” seems damn near impossible. Yet, when you explain that, 9 times out of 10, all you receive is either silence or the classic: “I don’t know what to tell you. All things get better with time.”

What people seem to forget is that heartbreak is a physical pain much like hunger. When you go too long without eating, your stomach starts to have this constant growl and ache. Sometimes it’s easy to ignore, yet at other times you absolutely have to put food into your body otherwise it feels like your stomach is starting to digest itself. Unfortunately, with heartbreak, you can’t just sit down and eat a gallon of ice cream and magically feel better like people expect you to.
I’m not sitting here saying that I wish people could understand what I’m going through, and I’m also not saying that a single person has ever felt this way before. We’ve all had our hearts broken. Some of us with breakups, some with death, and some with a different kind of loss. However, once time passes and the aching slowly goes away, it’s almost like we forget what it feels like to be in mourning. Is it weird of me to say that I never want to forget this feeling?

I’m sure that most people are going to find that very confusing. Why on earth would I want to remember this pain? Honestly, there are a few reasons. The first one is simply because as human beings, we are here to embrace the life that has been given to us. We are here to live, breathe, thrive and feel everything. That might sound pretty “hippie” of me, but this new way of thinking has helped me move on with the recovery process of every ounce of pain I feel.

The second reason is a little more personal, and I will try to not bore you with the gory details. The reason why I lost my previous love is because the timing of our relationship could not have been worse. Between my severe anxiety and depression disorders, there were also issues lying deep in my being that I would have never confronted if I hadn’t been to therapy recently. Because of these things, to say that I treated my fiance badly is an understatement. I treated him terribly. When I look back, I can’t help but think “Damn. He held on so much longer than I ever would have.” Constantly fighting, constantly making him question his self worth, constantly leaving him, and more things that I personally don’t want to have plastered all over the internet, but obviously he should have left me long before he did. All the time that I’m treating him this way, I had no idea that I was as unstable as I truly was. I really had no idea just how far down the hole I had fallen. The pain of this heartbreak will always serve as a reminder to never lose myself again. The guilt that I feel for pulling him into my life when I was so clearly unstable is crippling. If I could go back in time to the day that I met him, I would turn the other cheek and never have talked to him, simply because how I treated him was so badly. But, while talking to one of my friends about feeling this way, they said something to me that really helped me get through a pretty bad time. “Being unstable doesn’t make you ‘the bad guy’, it makes you young.”

I constantly find myself trying to figure out my entire life instead of just letting it pan out the way it’s supposed to. I’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, and I’m also the type of person who needs an answer for everything. Why did it happen this way? Why did they ever walk into my life? Why did I fall in love with him the second that I met him if it wasn’t meant to be? Life is unfair. Because I fell in love with my ex-fiance the second that I laid eyes on him in high school, I was absolutely sure that we were going to be together for the rest of our lives. That’s the only outcome that made sense. I’ve started to realize that sitting here and questioning why it happened and why it failed, I should just be glad that because of this relationship, I realized that I needed to reach out to someone for help. I shouldn’t sit here and be distraught over something that I cannot change, but be thankful for the good times that we had together. Life is funny sometimes, and things always have a way of playing out better than you could ever imagine them to. Holding onto the light, and surrounding yourself with those who fill your heart with love are the only things that you can do to get through the hard times.