My Biggest Fear is Coming True.

I’m going to take a minute to be insanely hard on myself and try to explain to the world how messed up I really am. Maybe then someone could shed a little light on what is wrong with me. I know that sounds terrible, but I am at a complete loss here. So please, feel free to try to help me come to a conclusion, because this is the most stressful situation I’ve ever had to deal with.

I understand that relationships are hard. Having a relationship without compromise and maturity is damn near impossible, and maybe that’s what I’m lacking. Or maybe it’s something else.
Ever since I have started my relationship with my fiance I have become an emotionally unstable idiot. One day I’m totally in love with him and want to pursue our relationship and get married and start a family; the next I am literally questioning if I want to be in a relationship with him at all. This basically started shortly after we were engaged. I would start to twist the way I viewed him in my head. I would suddenly think that he was the worst person in the world. I would get it in my head that he was totally wrong for me, just from a simple fight. Because of the way I would just change it began to affect the way that I treated him, ultimately worsening our arguments, making them 10x more intense than they were, which would eventually lead to me freaking out even more and leaving him.

After this would happen, two weeks to a month later I would realize what was going on, almost like I had been absent from my body, and call him apologizing for everything that I had said and done to him within the past few weeks.

This has happened to us twice now in the matter of a year, and for some reason, I’m starting to see the process start over again.

I do realize how stupid this entire blog post must sound, but I really don’t understand what is happening to me. I’m also scared that this “cycle” is a way of my conscience telling me that our relationship isn’t right and isn’t supposed to work out, but that just doesn’t seem to make sense. I love my fiance. I always have, and I know that I always will whether we work out or we don’t. All I want is to make him happy. I want to be the person that I promised him I would be. I want to be by his side through everything he may experience in life. I want to be the person he comes home to every night after work. I want to continue to build our relationship into this unbreakable bond that we should already have, but for some reason I just keep putting a stop to it. I want to walk down the isle and see him standing at the end waiting for me. I want to be the mother of his children. So someone please effin’ explain to me why all off a sudden some days I just wake up and say “Nope. Nvm. Sorry ’bout your luck, babe. I’m just not feeling this anymore.” It’s absolutely insane.

I just don’t want to put him through this anymore, nor does he want to deal with it anymore, and I must say that I cannot blame him for that. Who in their right mind would want to put up with the person that they love constantly changing their mind about their future with them? But once again it brings up the question… why am I doing this? If I truly loved him why would I continue to hurt him over and over again? Part of me wants to let him go just because I fear so deeply that I won’t get over whatever this is anytime soon, but then I realize if I would do that, I would never get another shot. Whether I was truly ready then or not. This is it. This is the last go round. My last shot, and I am just a few short steps away from completely ruining it for good.

I’m just beginning to believe that my fear of commitment and my fear of never being truly happy is taking over my mind. I apologize if I am boring anyone with this nonsense, but I am at a stand still in my life, and would love any advice that anyone would have to give me.

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Growing Up is Hard to do.

I was babysitting my 4-year-old niece last Saturday night for my sister and her fiance while they went out to eat with their friends to celebrate someone’s 50th birthday. When I first got to their house my niece was excited to spend time with me, and her little mouth was running 1,000 miles per second. “Hey Savannah, I have Frozen karaoke that we can sing. We can sit here and play with princesses, we can watch Frozen, and sing together, and pet the bunny, and play in the playhouse…” and so on and so forth until her mommy and daddy finally made it out the door.

3 karaoke songs and some intense bunny rabbit cuddling later, we found ourselves cuddled up on the chair watching TV and talking. She asked me when her mommy and daddy would be home and I told her that it wouldn’t be too much longer before they were there. She then asked me if she would be able to live with them forever. I just smiled at her and tried to explain to her that one day she would be a big grown up, and she wouldn’t want to live with them. She looked puzzled for a minute until she finally looked up at me and said “I don’t want to grow up, Savannah.”

Shortly after that, we both fell asleep in the chair until her parents got home.

I’ve never thought that something a 4-year-old could say to me would ever hit me so hard. At that age, we are so dependent on our families. We know nothing else. All we know is that when we need something, mommy and daddy are there for you and they will do whatever it takes to make us smile and be content. Then, as you get older, the resentment comes. You’re suddenly a 12-year-old girl and everything your parents do instantly becomes repulsive and embarrassing. You dream of being an adult and living by yourself and having a husband of your own. You even play house with your friends and pretend that you’re a mommy and you have a job and a car. At that age, being an adult is so glamorous, and it’s all that you are waiting for.

Finally one day, it’s your high school graduation. That joyous day when you walk across that stage to shake your principle’s hand and realize that you will never have to set foot in another school again unless you really wanted to. You are surrounded by your graduating class one last time, and you don’t really realize that you will never see 90% of the faces you’ve seen every day for the last 4 years ever again. For me, that wasn’t so bad of a realization. I was never the most social person in the world, and the people that were close to me were the only ones that I wanted/needed. You all get your diplomas and you throw your ugly graduation hats up in the air, and then you walk out of the ceremony, say your final goodbyes to everyone, snap a few pictures, go home, and then you’re suddenly the adult that you have wanted to be for so long.

The following summer for me was a stressful one. I had a few short months to pack everything I owned into boxes and prepare myself to move halfway across the country to go to a school that I wasn’t particularly ready to be a part of. Which is why I didn’t even make it through a full year there before I came home to my parents, moved back in with them, got a job, and saved up for an apartment in my hometown.

In the process of saving for my apartment and finally moving in, a started a relationship with my high school crush. We met my freshman year and from the day that I saw his face, I knew that there was something special about him. However, our relationship has been anything but easy. Being a military girlfriend is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do, not to mention the fact that I constantly question whether or not I am ready for what we have, which leads to many problems. To me, that doesn’t mean that I don’t love him, it just shows that I’m not as mature as I thought I was. I’m not the adult that I thought I was.

Growing up and becoming an adult is the hardest thing that anyone will face. All of those years and all of that yearning to get out of your parents house finally catches up to you to the point where you want nothing more than to be that 4-year-old little girl saying she never wants to leave her parents house. Wanting to be a little kid again where the only thing you have to worry about is the fact that your mom made you a grilled cheese instead of a peanut butter and jelly. Being so young and innocent and still believing that if you’re a good girl or boy Santa Claus will come to your house on Christmas Eve and eat the homemade cookies you left out for him and leave you absolutely everything you asked for when you got to meet him at the shopping mall.

Life is a never-ending cycle and it’s most certainly not a simple one. I guess what I’m saying is, my name is Savannah, and I want to be a little kid again.