I swore I’d never fall again…

If there is one thing that I’ve learned in the past 2 1/2 years, it’s what to look for in a man, and when it’s a good idea to turn away from him. After leaving my fiance this past year, the last thing that I had on my mind was the desire for a relationship. I wanted to take the time that I needed to focus on myself and grow into the woman that I knew I could be.

As I was talking to one if my best friends last night, I realized that I’ve come so far in the past couple of months. He told me that he was so impressed at my ability to pick myself up, brush myself off, and become even stronger than I’ve ever been before. While he was telling me all of this, it literally brought tears to my eyes. He couldn’t believe that I survived the situation, and honestly, neither could I.

A couple of weeks ago, I met a guy. A big, burly, bearded, handsome man that caught my attention the moment I saw him. Apparently, it was the same for him. Once we started talking, I was so incredibly glad that I had had the courage to make the first move.

This man is everything I’ve ever thought of in thinking of a significant other. The amount of chivalry that comes from him is insane. He actually still opens the car door for me. He is crazy obsessed with horror movies, and he’s a wonderful chef with a pretty damn good job. All he wants is to see me smile, to kiss my smile. This man is mature enough to know that I can have my guy friends and it not be an issue. He is confident enough in me to know that I am coming home to him at night. He also really likes the fact that I’m a complete and total bitch. I’m pretty sure the fact that I’m so sassy and crude is just a total turn on for him. He likes to do small things just to make me smile, and he spoils the ever loving shit out of me solely because he wants to.

When things first started heating up with us, I wasn’t sure if I was even capable of loving someone. I didn’t think that going to dinner and a movie with him would result in me starting to fall in love with him. I never could have seen it coming. I had built walls around my heart solely to prevent something like this from happening. Yet there’s just something about my man, his patience, kindness, & listening ears that are tearing those walls down faster than my comfort zone can keep up. But once I really thought about it, I realized one thing. I made it through my past, still standing strong & tall. I might be a little scared to let go and let him into my heart, but love is scary regardless. Falling in love doesn’t have to be scary or complicated. Falling in love is supposed to be effortless and beautiful, yet I’m letting myself get in the way of fully and wholeheartedly enjoying it. I guess now it’s time to let go of myself. Now it’s time to let him in fully, and really see where it goes. If I don’t, ultimately I will lose him, and wonder for the rest of my life what could have been…

The Summer of Self Growth.

As human beings, I believe we all have a deep longing in our hearts to be loved. It’s something that each and every one of us want to feel. It’s something that we crave, whether everyone wants to admit it or not.

Whether you are ready for a relationship, or you aren’t, it’s still absolutely flattering to know that someone has taken an interest in you, is it not? It’s still an amazing feeling to know that you can impact someone’s heart enough for them to want to be with you. For some, though, this longing is greater. I truly believe that it is my deepest desire- to find the man of my dreams who I will one day be able to not only call my husband, but also the father to my children.

Life has given me exactly what I thought was the answer to my prayers, and then taken it from me very dramatically. Getting over this bump in the road has been a very difficult journey, in which I’ve made some pretty unwise decisions when it comes to love and romance. I’m the type of person who wears her heart on her sleeve, which ultimately gets me into the worst situations imaginable. Sometimes I’m a little too gullible when it comes to what a man says to me, and I’ve never realized it until recently.

If we are being completely honest here, it almost feels like my heart has this giant hole in it that only a man can fulfill. Yet, 9 times out of 10, men only make my life more complicated. I’m beginning to realize that until I can pull myself together completely, I will never be able to make someone else happy. I’m not entirely sure what that looks like exactly, but I have come to terms with wanting to find out.

I’ve vowed to make this summer the most beautiful one yet. I’ve made a promise to myself that I am going to focus solely on me. Taking everything life throws at me one day at a time. Really and truthfully not seeking out men or when a man tries to seek me out, not really look their direction. I’m a 21 year old girl who has yet to see half of what the world has to offer. I’ve vowed to be on the river more often than not, and to surround myself with my friends and family. This is going to be the summer of a lifetime, as ridiculous as that sounds, simply because I have this very deep feeling that I will truly be finding myself.

I went to spend time outdoors. I want to start working out the way that I said I was going to a month or so ago. Just the few times that I was getting up and being active, I could tell a difference not only in my body, but also my mental health. I felt better all-around. I want to truly come to terms with who I am as a human being, and what my purpose on earth is. I just need to remember to have patience with myself. I know that I have a beautiful soul, and I’ve let current events get in the way of what makes it beautiful. For a while, I lost myself completely, and I will never allow it to happen again.

“…A Riot is the Language of the Unheard.”

Is it just me, or has the world completely lost it’s ability to see the beauty and the value of human life?

I’ve tried for such a long time to stay ignorant to what is happening in the world, simply because it actually breaks my heart to hear about so many people dying every day, but then I realized that ignorance is never really a good thing. Once the riots in Baltimore started to break out, I decided to really dive into research on police brutality considering it was the biggest issue being talked about. When I started to read about the multiple cases of police shooting all of these innocent unarmed people, it really started to stir something up inside of me.

So many people are questioning why the riots are happening. I’ve heard so many things from “It’s so sad that they think violence will solve anything” all the way to “I don’t see the welfare offices in Baltimore burning to ground.” All of these comments have really started to irritate me. Can you imagine what the people rioting are actually feeling? Our country is losing trust in it’s law enforcement, and it’s not something that anyone should be okay with. Police are scared to walk up to a car’s window when they pull someone over out of fear of being shot, and the people being pulled over are afraid of the police officer gunning them down or beating them senseless for no reason. This should never even be an issue. Of course there will cases where police have to shoot someone, but it should be a last resort at all costs.

It is not enough for me to stand before you tonight and condemn riots. It would me morally irresponsible for me to do that without, at the same time, condemning the contingent, intolerable conditions that exist in our society. These conditions are the things that cause individuals to feel that they have no other alternative than to engage in violent rebellions to get attention. And I must say that a riot is the language of the unheard.

As most of you know, Martin Luther King Jr. said that beautiful quote. This is exactly my view on the situation. Though, when I tried to voice my opinion on Facebook, I actually had someone say that this quote was “stupid” and that when Martin Luther King Jr. was rallying there was no violence involved. Good God, people. That is probably one of the most ridiculous things I’ve ever heard in my life. The thing about this is, is that what is happening in the world and in Baltimore right now is history actually repeating itself.

All of these people going crazy and rioting feel that they have absolutely no other way to get their point across that something needs to change! Police brutality has always been an issue, but no one is doing anything about it. Everyone is looking down upon the people who are so hurt and so terrified that they feel the need to burn a city to the ground. I’m not sitting here condoning violence, by any means. For those of you who do not know me personally, I’m one of the most nonviolent people in the world. I’ve never been into a fight with anyone, and I hate confrontation. Even the thought of confrontation freaks me out, however, I am smart enough to recognize a problem, and I see a problem with our law enforcement.

What has our country turned into? We now live in a nation where police set up road blocks and force you to stop your vehicle when you have done nothing to deserve doing so. Do you guys realize how wrong that is? It’s unconstitutional. Yet if I were to go through a police check point, not roll down my window completely, and recite my rights as to why I do not have to do so, I would be arrested, searched, and maybe even beaten. It’s gotten to the point where police do not care about a citizens rights. This is exactly the reason that when/if I am every pulled over, I immediately pull out my cell phone to record every single thing that happens. Yes, you have absolutely every right to record your interactions with a police officer, and do not ever let them tell you that you don’t.

Our forefathers are probably turning over in their graves at what this nation has turned into, but no one seems to care. I would never go and be a part of a riot, but I can’t help to think that I would definitely want to go and be a part of the peaceful protesting that is also taking place. The media just doesn’t like to show that side of things. We need a movement of love and peace to sweep across the nation like it did when The Beatles were leading the nation with their music. We need a generation of people to stand up and protest what is right. We need a group of people to come together hand-in-hand and show the world that nothing is accomplished with violence. The only thing that we can do to fix this country is realize that there is value in human life. There is change in love! Not to be cliche or anything, but all you need is love. 

Stop judging people based on the color of their skin. Stop making people feel worthless because they had a child with a person of another race. We need to come together and realize that no matter someone’s race, they are a human beings. They are equal to you. They always have been, and they always will be.

Happiness Is Found Within You.

If there’s one thing that I’ve learned from my past relationship, it’s that you absolutely cannot take the people who are important to you for granted. Within the past few months, I’ve been extremely heartbroken, and I’ve begged my ex to forgive me for everything wrong that I’ve done to him. Things never worked out for us, as most of you who read my blog already know. However, I honestly cannot say for a single second that I am upset about that. There were so many things that happened between the two of us, that I don’t know if we would ever be able to fully love each other and support each other in the proper manor.

I spent so much time thinking that everything bad that happened to us was entirely my fault. I felt guilty for so long, and constantly found myself asking how it was fair. It just didn’t make sense to me that I lost everything that I wanted simply because I suffer from severe anxiety and depression disorders. I kept thinking to myself that he couldn’t love me, no one could. Truly believing that I would be alone for the rest of my life, despite how young I am, because it just didn’t make sense for anyone to ever want to be with me as long as I suffered from my disorders. Then, I realized that it is very foolish to think that everything was my fault, and even more foolish to think that I will be alone for the rest of my life.

Though many of the things that have happened were caused by my dishonesty, and also my anxiety making it impossible for anyone to truly love me, I am not responsible for anyone’s actions except my own. To place full blame on myself is exactly what he wanted, simply because he wanted me to hurt and feel guilty. Then he would question me when I would lose control of everything, have a panic attack, and call him repeatedly. “How are you in love with me if you are all over other guys?” was the constant question that came out of his mouth, and honestly, I wasn’t entirely sure how to answer it. To me, it was because I was so hurt from being rejected by the one person I never thought I would be rejected by, and maybe that is true to a certain extent, but I realized something that is so much more powerful than that.
I’m all over other guys, and I go on dates with other guys not because I’m hurt, but because I realized subliminally that it was a blessing we weren’t together anymore. I go out with other guys because I know deep down in my heart that I deserve better than what he and I once had. Not that he was the most terrible person in the world, because he wasn’t. He truly wanted to treat me well, but the thing about it is, is that he didn’t realize when he was wrong. He was never capable of admitting his wrong doings, and I was never capable of letting them go. The relationship quickly spiraled completely out of control due to many contributing factors. However, if you ask him, he treated me like a queen, and I am completely crazy and unstable.

It’s sad to think that he feels so much hatred towards me, because I will always have love for him in my heart. How could I not? Even though I realize that we will never be together, that doesn’t mean that he won’t always hold a small piece of my heart. I had given it to him, and it’s not something that you can get back. Though I didn’t treat him the way that I should have, it doesn’t mean for a single second that I didn’t love him. Heartbreaks take time to get over, and sometimes, you find yourself laying there wishing that you couldn’t feel anything at all, wishing you could be completely numb to emotion. It took many days of that until I realized that I was literally wishing that I was a sociopath. Why would I want that for myself? That’s when I realized that I had to change my mindset completely, or I would never get over the hurt that I felt. I went from truly wishing I was numb, to realizing that because I can hurt so intensely meant that I am capable to love even more intensely. I took the pain that I was feeling, and turned it into something positive, something beautiful.

Once I did that, I was able to truly let go of him. Ever since the last time we have talked (which was very ugly, and should not have even happened in the first place), I’ve had absolutely no desire whatsoever to speak to him. When I see him out, I don’t even look in his direction. His presence doesn’t utterly cripple me and send me into a spiral of emotion that I can’t handle. It’s like he’s not even there. Ever since the realization, I’ve been able to really and truly focus my attention to a man who has went out of his way on multiple occasions to get to know me. A man that treats me like an absolute lady. When I am with him, I sit and I wonder why in the hell it has taken me this long to admit my true feelings for him, and hide behind the pain from my breakup, when all along, I should have been taking him seriously. All of my friends have been pushing me towards him and constantly telling me how good of a person he is and that they completely 100% approve of him, and that he’s such a step in the right direction, and now I see that for myself.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned from all of this, is that because I’ve hurt so deeply, my heart is pure. My heart is capable of a love that many is not. I’m such a beautiful and passionate person, and that makes me who I am, but it is also my greatest weakness. However, at this point in my life, I refuse to let it hurt me. I’m taking my passion and turning it into something beautiful. Happiness is found within you, not with someone else. Happiness is found when you truly accept the person that you are, and you don’t let anyone’s opinion of you overshadow that.

Drugs are more powerful than human emotion.

Working in mental health has both it’s advantages and also, as I’m sure most of you can imagine, it’s disadvantages. Let me give you just a quick run down on my job and what it is that I do.
I work at a mental health facility in Lewisburg, West Virginia. This particular facility is a drug detox and crisis center. So basically, we see people who are going through heavy withdraw symptoms, and also people who are extremely depressed and/or suicidal.

My job title here is a Behavioral Health Technician. My responsibilities include (but are not limited to) cleaning, doing hourly checks on our clients, picking up/dropping off clients at the hospital, running to receive medications from the pharmacy, and cooking their meals. I, however, work graveyard shifts, so my interactions with the clientele is minimal. I thank my lucky stars for that every day, because honestly, I don’t know if I could handle my job on a daily basis otherwise.

There have been many times in the few short months that I have had this job that I have questioned whether or not I should be here every day, working with people who are unstable, when I myself, feel insanely unstable more often than not. Seeing so many people that I have grown up with walk in and out of the doors at my facility literally crushes me. I take it personally, when in reality, the only thing to it is that you cannot help someone get off of drugs and clean their life up unless they truly are committed to doing so themselves.

I live in a very small town. The population of Lewisburg is a little under 4,000 people. This is a town where everyone knows everyone; sometimes it’s a blessing and at others it’s most certainly not. Living in a small town is very hard on some people, especially the younger generation, considering that fact that there is “nothing to do.” Sure, we have plenty of places to see and things to do, but I suppose it can get old and mundane after a while for most. In most cases that I have seen, once someone starts feeling this way about the area, they automatically think that they are “trapped.” This causes a lot of depression and anxiety, which eventually, in most cases, people turn to drugs.

I was in high school when Opanas finally hit the town. This pill quickly swept up most of my friends and began to suck their lives into an endless hole. Some of them have recovered, found love, had children and are doing well, while others are still struggling to get clean, while scouring through their loved ones belongings and mistaking their grandmother’s Cubic Zirconium for diamonds and trying to pawn them off on whoever will pay at least $5. Watching this downfall of my generation has taken it’s toll on me, and honestly, I will never view some of the people I grew up with the same. That may sound harsh, but let me tell you why.

In working with drug addicts every day of my life, I have began to realize just how pathetic the disease truly is. We get new people just about every day. As soon as a new client walks through the door, you can tell just by the way that they speak whether or not they are wanting to change their life, or they are just wanting to go somewhere for a few days to wait it out while their drug dealer runs to Detroit to pick up more goods, and they really cannot withstand the withdraw symptoms. You see the look on their faces, the emptiness in their eyes, and you can just tell that something is missing. Something is simply not right. Then you get the people who really want to change their lives, and it makes all of those failed attempts completely worth it. You get someone who comes in with desperation in their eyes. Tears forming as they tell you why they are admitting themselves into our care because the shame is just too much to bear. As terrible as that sounds, that’s when you know it’s real.

Learning to keep work within the walls at work has been very hard on me. Someone will come in that I know personally and then leave without finishing the program because it’s “too difficult” or also just because they want a cigarette. I put more faith in them than they can live up to, and it has just disappointed me time and time again. This is why I have had to harden my heart a little bit. It might sound cold, and it may be wrong to an extent, but I am just doing what needs to be done in order to get my job done every day. When you look up the turnover rates with employees in mental health, the rates are sky high. Mental health is a very difficult field to work in, so you can imagine what it does to an unstable psycho like me. I just can’t handle it when I am so vulnerable, and let me tell you one thing right now, our clients can smell vulnerability. They eat it up. Some of them will even try to manipulate you into breaking rules, sneaking them a smoke, etc., and honestly, most of the time they are pretty damn smooth.

This job has taught me a lot about myself and others. Even though I might not enjoy it the way that I thought I would, I’m still learning so much about people, and I think that that is a good thing. I’ve become more realistic when it comes to helping people. I hope that this hasn’t made anyone feel uncomfortable or think any negative thoughts about me, but this is just how I feel.

New Year; New Beginnings

I’ve been thinking about getting a blog and keeping thoughts logged in it for quite some time now. What a better way to start out the new year than to open up a fresh blog?

Life has thrown so many curveballs at me as of recently, but all I can do is keep my head up and push through it. What more is there to do? I truly believe that everything happens for a reason, and nothing that happens to me will ever stop me from being myself and going after the things that I want in life. Ie: Marrying the love of my life and starting a family, following my dreams, and so many more that I am sure I will write about right here on this very blog.

I invite you to follow me, get to know me, and even help me through the beautiful thing that I call life.
I’ll be looking forward to it.