Finding meaning in life is truly difficult. Especially when you have absolutely no idea where to begin. That’s the problem that I am currently facing. There are many life decisions that are just too difficult to make. Deciding whether or not to go to college, and then if you decide to do it then comes the decision as to what classes you are going to take. If you decide not to go to college, you have to find a job that you don’t utterly despise. Finding meaning in your life once you decide not to go to college however, is definitely where I am stuck.
I went to school for a while in Kansas City when I first graduated. I loved it for a while, and then I realized that I needed a change as I began to fall into a pretty deep depression. My homesickness started to grow pretty big, and I finally decided that I couldn’t handle to be 13.5 hours away from my friends and family. I packed up all my stuff into the car, came home, quickly found a job that I hated and started to look for another one. Finally, I found a job at a local coffee house that I loved. I worked there for a little over a year before being terminated for insanely unfair reasons. I have never felt so wronged in my life. My breaks went to the floor one day on my way to work, and I couldn’t make it. I called to let them know, and before I even hung up the phone they told me that I would no longer be on the schedule.
Losing that job was a slap in the face. It truly was. I couldn’t even begin to look for something new, because I was so depressed about losing the one job that I liked and made some pretty good money. It was hard to believe that working at a family owned restaurant I made $9.50 an hour plus tips. I enjoyed working there, minus the little petty drama, but I feel like you find that in every work place.
After I picked myself up again, I found a job at a detox and crisis center as a behavioral health technician. I’m currently still working here, and make $9.93 an hour, but that is still less than I made at the coffee shop once you factor in tips. This winter has hit me hard financially, and the job itself is beginning to take it’s toll on me. The position I have is a night shift, and honestly, I didn’t think that it would be this difficult. The main problem is simply that I find it hard to have any social interaction at all. When I am awake, everyone else is a sleep and vice versa. It’s began to take it’s toll on my relationship. Michael and I find it difficult to even spend time together. Occasionally I will go and wake him up in the morning, but then I have to get home shortly after that to go take care of my dogs after they have been home alone for over 13 hours. All I do on my days off is sleep, and I have the worst eating schedule on the planet.
Needless to say, this new job isn’t particularly the best thing for me. I don’t know how to juggle a life and work. Work basically defines me, and I absolutely hate that. I’m too young to be in a situation like this, but there really isn’t anything that I can do about it. So for now, I tough it out and work through the desire to quit, collect my paycheck, pay my bills, and barely have enough money left to have the little bit of a social life that I do have.
Basically, I truly believe that it’s time for a change, but I have no idea what that change looks like. I was hoping to be planning a wedding by now, but Michael and I aren’t really ready for all that yet. We are supposed to be building our house, too, but some things have gotten in the way of that as well. It’s coming, just very slowly. Then I think that maybe I should take some online classes. I could bring my computer to work with me and do my homework and such in my downtime there. But that raises the question on what I want to do. I’ve really put some thought into interior design. Once I would be married that would be the perfect job for me. I could work out of the house, so when I had kids I could be there for them all the time, which is really what I want in the long run anyway. However, the town we live in is so small, I really don’t know if my own interior design business would even be remotely successful.
All of these things are slowly piling up at my door, and I just don’t know if I have the strength to carry them in anymore. I’m growing weaker by the day, and that’s not what is supposed to happen. You’re supposed to grow as a person the older you get, not the opposite. But can you imagine when all of these things finally get sorted out? I’ll be unstoppable. I just pray that it will happen sooner rather than later, because this really isn’t much of a life. This is a stress-filled burden that is literally turning my hair grey at the age of 21. I guess it’s time to put on my big girl pants and push through until I see the light at the end of the tunnel. The only problem is that I’ve been walking for miles and I still don’t see it.