…and we pretend that racism doesn’t exist.

Living in West Virginia seems to have both it’s advantages and disadvantages, as would most places. It’s absolutely beautiful here, and there’s a sense of community unlike anywhere I’ve ever traveled. However, sometimes there are people who ruin that by sticking their noses where they don’t belong.

Racism in West Virginia has recently been proven to be a real problem. I’ve just recently learned that in the county bordering where I live, a interracial couple have been experiencing some issues with someone that lives in their neighborhood. The couple owns a small business, and when they went to talk into work one morning, they noticed that someone had spray painted “NIGGER LOVER” across the building. To me, this is childish and completely unnecessary, as it would be to most people. What troubles me, though, is that there are a select group of people that not only feel this is justified, but also find it comical.

I have a very close friend named McKenzie, and she is in a situation like this, and so I see every day what it does to a person to receive negative comments every day about being in a interracial relationship. McKenzie has a boyfriend named Brandon, and well, the two fit together like pb&j. Brandon is African American, he’s a rather large guy considering he was part of West Virginia University’s defensive line up until this past football season. Their personalities fit together almost seamlessly, and honestly, I have never seen her so happy with anyone in her life. I’m so proud of her and all that she has accomplished. She has been through so much within the past few years, and now she has finally gotten a good job, became truly happy with herself, and found a man to share that happiness with. You would think that everyone who knows and loves her would be supportive of this, yet her entire family except a very select few, make snide comments and tell her what a terrible person she is for dating a black guy every single day.

It truly makes no sense to me. Why on earth would someone’s family not be able to see true happiness solely because of the color of someone’s skin? I can only imagine what it would be like to have that argument every day of my life. It would be enough to make a person crazy.

What is even more insane to me, is that when you bring up the fact that McKenzie’s family is racist directly to their face, they will look you in the eye and say that they aren’t racist and that they have no issues with black people. So explain to me what racism is then, if it’s not automatically hating your daughter’s boyfriend who treats her like the princess she is, solely because of the color of his skin.

I guess what I am getting at here is that I would like to say that I admire people who have the courage to be together regardless of race in this single-minded, ignorant world we live in. It really does take courage, and I think that it’s amazing. I would also like to say that I am in love with mixed babies. They are the most gorgeous children, and 99% of people would agree with me, even though they are close-minded to the couple that made the beautiful child. So guys, keep doing what you’re doing. The race of the person should never matter when it comes to true love, and if it does, then you should probably just choose to keep your mouth shut about the subject, because nothing that you say can counteract the love that people share. Get your head out of your ass, America!

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Mia Wallace meets the Mad Hatter

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Pleased to Meet You.”

“”Mia had had a wonderful time with Vincent the night that it happened. Emotions were flying, and she realized that she may have been a little to friendly with him, however she knew that he would never say anything to Marsellus. Vincent was terrified of him, even though he worked for him. But who wouldn’t be? Even Mia was to a degree, and that was her husband.

Vincent came inside after taking Mia to a 50s style restaurant, and asked if he could use the restroom, Mia pointed him in the direction of the room and told him that she would make them drinks while she waited. Instead of going through with that though, she found a little bit of heroin in Vincent’s jacket pocket. Now Mia was a beautiful and classy woman, but she had a hard time resisting that beautiful white powder. Little did Mia know, this was unlike any substance she had used before. It was stronger, therefore she was vulnerable in deciding just how much she should take.

Vincent came out of the bathroom to find Mia near death on the living room floor, completely unresponsive. Yet, he didn’t realize that she was literally in a completely different world, maybe even a whole new dimension. Mia was in Wonderland.

Mia woke up with a headache in a strange room. At first, it didn’t seem to have a door. Just a room, with oddly shaped furniture and the brightest colors she had ever seen. As she started to panic, she searched for a door and finally found the smallest door she had ever seen. She was so confused. “How on earth did I get here?” she wondered. She looked around for a hidden passageway or some other way to get out of this mess she had found herself in when she found a bottle with a little tag wrapped around it that said “Drink me.” Mia was obviously no stranger to ingesting foreign substances into her body, so she drank a small sip. Suddenly Mia was in an excruciating amount of pain. She could feel her body rapidly shrinking, and it was unlike anything she had ever felt before, yet over within the blink of an eye. She was so confused and had no idea what had happened, but all that mattered was the simple fact that she could walk through that tiny little door.

Once she opened the door she found herself in the most peculiar looking forest she had ever seen. The trees were oddly shaped and the sounds that filled the air were terrifying. She began to walk when she saw the most perplexing thing- a giant, floating smile. All she could see were the most gorgeous teeth smiling wider than anything she had ever seen, as bright as the moon, when suddenly a purple cat appeared behind the smile. “Hello…” Mia smiled in fascination. She could not believe what she was seeing.
“Hello there, Mr. Cat. How are you?” The cat did not respond to her question, but merely asked who she was.
“My name is Mia,” she said. “What is this place?”
He smiled once more and said, “Welcome to Wonderland, my lady.”
Mia couldn’t believe it. Wonderland? She had watched the movies and almost read the books, but never even imagined that this world, this place could ever be real…
The Cheshire Cat must have read the look on her face, as he directed her to follow a very specific path.

Mia was baffled, she couldn’t help but think she was losing her mind. She began to panic once more. “This is just a dream. This is just a dream.” Suddenly she smelled something in the air, and she automatically knew who she was about to meet. She walked in the direction of the aroma filling the air, when suddenly there he was. “Absolem.” said Mia.
Absolem looked frightened. “Who… are… you…?” he spoke.
“My name is Mia.”
He didn’t understand at first, but through brief conversation, he became more comfortable with her. He asked what she was doing and if she knew where she was, but Mia still in a state of shock, just walked away from him when she heard yelling in the distance.

Mia could not believe her eyes. There he was. The Mad Hatter. He was right in front of her and he was speaking but she couldn’t hear anything coming from his mouth. “Hmm?” he said.
“Did you say something?” she asked. “I’m Mia.”
He stared at her, completely baffled and said, “Mia, do you know why the raven is like a writing desk?”
Mia could feel her heart start racing, when all of a sudden everything went black. She had no idea what was happening to her, just that her heart felt like it was about to explode.

“Mia?” she could hear Vincent yelling. “MIA?!” and then suddenly, she was back on Earth. She had no idea what had happened, but whatever it was or where ever it was, she knew that she would never be the same.””

Yeah, this was fun. :p

Drugs are more powerful than human emotion.

Working in mental health has both it’s advantages and also, as I’m sure most of you can imagine, it’s disadvantages. Let me give you just a quick run down on my job and what it is that I do.
I work at a mental health facility in Lewisburg, West Virginia. This particular facility is a drug detox and crisis center. So basically, we see people who are going through heavy withdraw symptoms, and also people who are extremely depressed and/or suicidal.

My job title here is a Behavioral Health Technician. My responsibilities include (but are not limited to) cleaning, doing hourly checks on our clients, picking up/dropping off clients at the hospital, running to receive medications from the pharmacy, and cooking their meals. I, however, work graveyard shifts, so my interactions with the clientele is minimal. I thank my lucky stars for that every day, because honestly, I don’t know if I could handle my job on a daily basis otherwise.

There have been many times in the few short months that I have had this job that I have questioned whether or not I should be here every day, working with people who are unstable, when I myself, feel insanely unstable more often than not. Seeing so many people that I have grown up with walk in and out of the doors at my facility literally crushes me. I take it personally, when in reality, the only thing to it is that you cannot help someone get off of drugs and clean their life up unless they truly are committed to doing so themselves.

I live in a very small town. The population of Lewisburg is a little under 4,000 people. This is a town where everyone knows everyone; sometimes it’s a blessing and at others it’s most certainly not. Living in a small town is very hard on some people, especially the younger generation, considering that fact that there is “nothing to do.” Sure, we have plenty of places to see and things to do, but I suppose it can get old and mundane after a while for most. In most cases that I have seen, once someone starts feeling this way about the area, they automatically think that they are “trapped.” This causes a lot of depression and anxiety, which eventually, in most cases, people turn to drugs.

I was in high school when Opanas finally hit the town. This pill quickly swept up most of my friends and began to suck their lives into an endless hole. Some of them have recovered, found love, had children and are doing well, while others are still struggling to get clean, while scouring through their loved ones belongings and mistaking their grandmother’s Cubic Zirconium for diamonds and trying to pawn them off on whoever will pay at least $5. Watching this downfall of my generation has taken it’s toll on me, and honestly, I will never view some of the people I grew up with the same. That may sound harsh, but let me tell you why.

In working with drug addicts every day of my life, I have began to realize just how pathetic the disease truly is. We get new people just about every day. As soon as a new client walks through the door, you can tell just by the way that they speak whether or not they are wanting to change their life, or they are just wanting to go somewhere for a few days to wait it out while their drug dealer runs to Detroit to pick up more goods, and they really cannot withstand the withdraw symptoms. You see the look on their faces, the emptiness in their eyes, and you can just tell that something is missing. Something is simply not right. Then you get the people who really want to change their lives, and it makes all of those failed attempts completely worth it. You get someone who comes in with desperation in their eyes. Tears forming as they tell you why they are admitting themselves into our care because the shame is just too much to bear. As terrible as that sounds, that’s when you know it’s real.

Learning to keep work within the walls at work has been very hard on me. Someone will come in that I know personally and then leave without finishing the program because it’s “too difficult” or also just because they want a cigarette. I put more faith in them than they can live up to, and it has just disappointed me time and time again. This is why I have had to harden my heart a little bit. It might sound cold, and it may be wrong to an extent, but I am just doing what needs to be done in order to get my job done every day. When you look up the turnover rates with employees in mental health, the rates are sky high. Mental health is a very difficult field to work in, so you can imagine what it does to an unstable psycho like me. I just can’t handle it when I am so vulnerable, and let me tell you one thing right now, our clients can smell vulnerability. They eat it up. Some of them will even try to manipulate you into breaking rules, sneaking them a smoke, etc., and honestly, most of the time they are pretty damn smooth.

This job has taught me a lot about myself and others. Even though I might not enjoy it the way that I thought I would, I’m still learning so much about people, and I think that that is a good thing. I’ve become more realistic when it comes to helping people. I hope that this hasn’t made anyone feel uncomfortable or think any negative thoughts about me, but this is just how I feel.

Searching for the Answer.

Finding meaning in life is truly difficult. Especially when you have absolutely no idea where to begin. That’s the problem that I am currently facing. There are many life decisions that are just too difficult to make. Deciding whether or not to go to college, and then if you decide to do it then comes the decision as to what classes you are going to take. If you decide not to go to college, you have to find a job that you don’t utterly despise. Finding meaning in your life once you decide not to go to college however, is definitely where I am stuck.

I went to school for a while in Kansas City when I first graduated. I loved it for a while, and then I realized that I needed a change as I began to fall into a pretty deep depression. My homesickness started to grow pretty big, and I finally decided that I couldn’t handle to be 13.5 hours away from my friends and family. I packed up all my stuff into the car, came home, quickly found a job that I hated and started to look for another one. Finally, I found a job at a local coffee house that I loved. I worked there for a little over a year before being terminated for insanely unfair reasons. I have never felt so wronged in my life. My breaks went to the floor one day on my way to work, and I couldn’t make it. I called to let them know, and before I even hung up the phone they told me that I would no longer be on the schedule.
Losing that job was a slap in the face. It truly was. I couldn’t even begin to look for something new, because I was so depressed about losing the one job that I liked and made some pretty good money. It was hard to believe that working at a family owned restaurant I made $9.50 an hour plus tips. I enjoyed working there, minus the little petty drama, but I feel like you find that in every work place.

After I picked myself up again, I found a job at a detox and crisis center as a behavioral health technician. I’m currently still working here, and make $9.93 an hour, but that is still less than I made at the coffee shop once you factor in tips. This winter has hit me hard financially, and the job itself is beginning to take it’s toll on me. The position I have is a night shift, and honestly, I didn’t think that it would be this difficult. The main problem is simply that I find it hard to have any social interaction at all. When I am awake, everyone else is a sleep and vice versa. It’s began to take it’s toll on my relationship. Michael and I find it difficult to even spend time together. Occasionally I will go and wake him up in the morning, but then I have to get home shortly after that to go take care of my dogs after they have been home alone for over 13 hours. All I do on my days off is sleep, and I have the worst eating schedule on the planet.

Needless to say, this new job isn’t particularly the best thing for me. I don’t know how to juggle a life and work. Work basically defines me, and I absolutely hate that. I’m too young to be in a situation like this, but there really isn’t anything that I can do about it. So for now, I tough it out and work through the desire to quit, collect my paycheck, pay my bills, and barely have enough money left to have the little bit of a social life that I do have.

Basically, I truly believe that it’s time for a change, but I have no idea what that change looks like. I was hoping to be planning a wedding by now, but Michael and I aren’t really ready for all that yet. We are supposed to be building our house, too, but some things have gotten in the way of that as well. It’s coming, just very slowly. Then I think that maybe I should take some online classes. I could bring my computer to work with me and do my homework and such in my downtime there. But that raises the question on what I want to do. I’ve really put some thought into interior design. Once I would be married that would be the perfect job for me. I could work out of the house, so when I had kids I could be there for them all the time, which is really what I want in the long run anyway. However, the town we live in is so small, I really don’t know if my own interior design business would even be remotely successful.

All of these things are slowly piling up at my door, and I just don’t know if I have the strength to carry them in anymore. I’m growing weaker by the day, and that’s not what is supposed to happen. You’re supposed to grow as a person the older you get, not the opposite. But can you imagine when all of these things finally get sorted out? I’ll be unstoppable. I just pray that it will happen sooner rather than later, because this really isn’t much of a life. This is a stress-filled burden that is literally turning my hair grey at the age of 21. I guess it’s time to put on my big girl pants and push through until I see the light at the end of the tunnel. The only problem is that I’ve been walking for miles and I still don’t see it.

My Biggest Fear is Coming True.

I’m going to take a minute to be insanely hard on myself and try to explain to the world how messed up I really am. Maybe then someone could shed a little light on what is wrong with me. I know that sounds terrible, but I am at a complete loss here. So please, feel free to try to help me come to a conclusion, because this is the most stressful situation I’ve ever had to deal with.

I understand that relationships are hard. Having a relationship without compromise and maturity is damn near impossible, and maybe that’s what I’m lacking. Or maybe it’s something else.
Ever since I have started my relationship with my fiance I have become an emotionally unstable idiot. One day I’m totally in love with him and want to pursue our relationship and get married and start a family; the next I am literally questioning if I want to be in a relationship with him at all. This basically started shortly after we were engaged. I would start to twist the way I viewed him in my head. I would suddenly think that he was the worst person in the world. I would get it in my head that he was totally wrong for me, just from a simple fight. Because of the way I would just change it began to affect the way that I treated him, ultimately worsening our arguments, making them 10x more intense than they were, which would eventually lead to me freaking out even more and leaving him.

After this would happen, two weeks to a month later I would realize what was going on, almost like I had been absent from my body, and call him apologizing for everything that I had said and done to him within the past few weeks.

This has happened to us twice now in the matter of a year, and for some reason, I’m starting to see the process start over again.

I do realize how stupid this entire blog post must sound, but I really don’t understand what is happening to me. I’m also scared that this “cycle” is a way of my conscience telling me that our relationship isn’t right and isn’t supposed to work out, but that just doesn’t seem to make sense. I love my fiance. I always have, and I know that I always will whether we work out or we don’t. All I want is to make him happy. I want to be the person that I promised him I would be. I want to be by his side through everything he may experience in life. I want to be the person he comes home to every night after work. I want to continue to build our relationship into this unbreakable bond that we should already have, but for some reason I just keep putting a stop to it. I want to walk down the isle and see him standing at the end waiting for me. I want to be the mother of his children. So someone please effin’ explain to me why all off a sudden some days I just wake up and say “Nope. Nvm. Sorry ’bout your luck, babe. I’m just not feeling this anymore.” It’s absolutely insane.

I just don’t want to put him through this anymore, nor does he want to deal with it anymore, and I must say that I cannot blame him for that. Who in their right mind would want to put up with the person that they love constantly changing their mind about their future with them? But once again it brings up the question… why am I doing this? If I truly loved him why would I continue to hurt him over and over again? Part of me wants to let him go just because I fear so deeply that I won’t get over whatever this is anytime soon, but then I realize if I would do that, I would never get another shot. Whether I was truly ready then or not. This is it. This is the last go round. My last shot, and I am just a few short steps away from completely ruining it for good.

I’m just beginning to believe that my fear of commitment and my fear of never being truly happy is taking over my mind. I apologize if I am boring anyone with this nonsense, but I am at a stand still in my life, and would love any advice that anyone would have to give me.

Growing Up is Hard to do.

I was babysitting my 4-year-old niece last Saturday night for my sister and her fiance while they went out to eat with their friends to celebrate someone’s 50th birthday. When I first got to their house my niece was excited to spend time with me, and her little mouth was running 1,000 miles per second. “Hey Savannah, I have Frozen karaoke that we can sing. We can sit here and play with princesses, we can watch Frozen, and sing together, and pet the bunny, and play in the playhouse…” and so on and so forth until her mommy and daddy finally made it out the door.

3 karaoke songs and some intense bunny rabbit cuddling later, we found ourselves cuddled up on the chair watching TV and talking. She asked me when her mommy and daddy would be home and I told her that it wouldn’t be too much longer before they were there. She then asked me if she would be able to live with them forever. I just smiled at her and tried to explain to her that one day she would be a big grown up, and she wouldn’t want to live with them. She looked puzzled for a minute until she finally looked up at me and said “I don’t want to grow up, Savannah.”

Shortly after that, we both fell asleep in the chair until her parents got home.

I’ve never thought that something a 4-year-old could say to me would ever hit me so hard. At that age, we are so dependent on our families. We know nothing else. All we know is that when we need something, mommy and daddy are there for you and they will do whatever it takes to make us smile and be content. Then, as you get older, the resentment comes. You’re suddenly a 12-year-old girl and everything your parents do instantly becomes repulsive and embarrassing. You dream of being an adult and living by yourself and having a husband of your own. You even play house with your friends and pretend that you’re a mommy and you have a job and a car. At that age, being an adult is so glamorous, and it’s all that you are waiting for.

Finally one day, it’s your high school graduation. That joyous day when you walk across that stage to shake your principle’s hand and realize that you will never have to set foot in another school again unless you really wanted to. You are surrounded by your graduating class one last time, and you don’t really realize that you will never see 90% of the faces you’ve seen every day for the last 4 years ever again. For me, that wasn’t so bad of a realization. I was never the most social person in the world, and the people that were close to me were the only ones that I wanted/needed. You all get your diplomas and you throw your ugly graduation hats up in the air, and then you walk out of the ceremony, say your final goodbyes to everyone, snap a few pictures, go home, and then you’re suddenly the adult that you have wanted to be for so long.

The following summer for me was a stressful one. I had a few short months to pack everything I owned into boxes and prepare myself to move halfway across the country to go to a school that I wasn’t particularly ready to be a part of. Which is why I didn’t even make it through a full year there before I came home to my parents, moved back in with them, got a job, and saved up for an apartment in my hometown.

In the process of saving for my apartment and finally moving in, a started a relationship with my high school crush. We met my freshman year and from the day that I saw his face, I knew that there was something special about him. However, our relationship has been anything but easy. Being a military girlfriend is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do, not to mention the fact that I constantly question whether or not I am ready for what we have, which leads to many problems. To me, that doesn’t mean that I don’t love him, it just shows that I’m not as mature as I thought I was. I’m not the adult that I thought I was.

Growing up and becoming an adult is the hardest thing that anyone will face. All of those years and all of that yearning to get out of your parents house finally catches up to you to the point where you want nothing more than to be that 4-year-old little girl saying she never wants to leave her parents house. Wanting to be a little kid again where the only thing you have to worry about is the fact that your mom made you a grilled cheese instead of a peanut butter and jelly. Being so young and innocent and still believing that if you’re a good girl or boy Santa Claus will come to your house on Christmas Eve and eat the homemade cookies you left out for him and leave you absolutely everything you asked for when you got to meet him at the shopping mall.

Life is a never-ending cycle and it’s most certainly not a simple one. I guess what I’m saying is, my name is Savannah, and I want to be a little kid again.

New Year; New Beginnings

I’ve been thinking about getting a blog and keeping thoughts logged in it for quite some time now. What a better way to start out the new year than to open up a fresh blog?

Life has thrown so many curveballs at me as of recently, but all I can do is keep my head up and push through it. What more is there to do? I truly believe that everything happens for a reason, and nothing that happens to me will ever stop me from being myself and going after the things that I want in life. Ie: Marrying the love of my life and starting a family, following my dreams, and so many more that I am sure I will write about right here on this very blog.

I invite you to follow me, get to know me, and even help me through the beautiful thing that I call life.
I’ll be looking forward to it.